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Sunday, June 21, 2009

almost over

My days in New Mexico are numbered now. Rachael and Michael are arriving to pick me up next Saturday. In a way I’ll be happy to get home to my cats I left behind and to my cozy room. But I’ll also hate to leave the desert and the people here. I don’t think I will ever get over missing the desert. I really don’t long for the green grass and tall trees and lakes and streams of Ohio while I’m here, but I know I’ll miss the desert when I’m back in Ohio.

I'll always miss my family here, no matter how often I talk to them on the phone. Every day means that the kids get a little taller and a little more 'grown-up' And too many of their loving child-like ways will disappear before I get to see them again. I suppose that is what I hate most. Just like my own children, my grandkids will grow up too. I know that. But it doesn't mean I can't regret not being present for every day.

When Louie died someone gave me a poem about nothing being able to steal the memories we have secured deep in our hearts. I think that is the way the desert will always be with me. It is always just a thought away. And sometimes, when someone is burning pine wood in a wood burner in winter or for a bonfire in the fall, the smoke drifting on the softest breeze will take me back to Grandma’s hogan in the winter, with the kids sitting around and Mom talking quietly while the same fragrance drifts in the open door on every puff of wind.

And the same goes for the people. Keva will always be my fairy child who danced to her own tune and drew wonderful imaginary pictures and galloped around the lawn like a unicorn or some other magic beast. And Seth will always be the curly headed two year old imp who used to streak through the living room every time he got his bath. He loved to shock Grandma! Those pictures are indelible in my memory. These last three months have just allowed me to add to them: Keva smiling and happy with her first professionally styled hair-do, (she was such a lady with her hair shaped to fall around her face and curl in the back!) And Seth with his Mohawk. I always complained that Dad cut all of his curls off, so they compromised and left Seth a strip of curls on top of his head. I told him it looked like a fuzzy caterpillar on his head!

And of course, I'll remember the family trips through the desert. I sat in the van while the family trekked through the desert and brought me back pictures and momentos of the hike.

There is not much more to say. I guess. I’ll just be sure to sit for a while each morning in front of my open door and face the morning sun and breathe deeply of the breeze in my face. I’ll watch for the roadrunner in our front yard and listen for the mockingbird in the tree behind the house I’ll look out across the desert at night at the far lights in the distance along the interstate while I listen to the dogs in the valley. I'll gather the momentos the kids have brought me and make sure I have Kerra's recipes written down so we can make them in Ohio. Those things will never leave me, even though I leave them..

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